Little miss consistency ….gave up?
Hiiiii there. I’m Dai and I made some big promises in January and then didn’t follow through.
Okay, I promise I will let you know exactly what has happened, and it will be long, but before I do that let’s look back at January me, who was TOTALLY kicking butt.
In January yo girl was kicking names and taking butts. Take a look at all that I accomplished:
Goal #1: Get a title change and 2 raises by December.
Progress: Got a Raise 3 months into my new job!
Goal #2: Level up where we live by living in a space that gives us the tools we need to succeed in our careers.
Progress: Moved to a 3 bedroom apartment in a complex with bomb ass amenities like conference rooms and a sky deck.
Goal #3: Launch my notebook company by April/May
Progress: Found a manufacturer! Now just need to raise the funds in order to launch!
Goal #4: Lose 73 pounds by December
Progress: Lost 8 lbs in Jan!
Goal #5: Give at least 2 speeches/talks
Progress: Gave one speech! I was asked to give a speech at the college I went to!
Goal #6: Travel/explore more
Progress: Booked a flight to Italy along with hotels and activities. Have plans for Vegas, Big Bear, and Seattle in the works.
Goal #7: Pay off 20k debt
Progress: paid off $7,000 in Jan.
Goal #8: Put on a Misfits production that showcases a new writer
Progress: Signed a new writer and production is underway! We hope to open the new show in May!
Okay So at the end of January I decided to do a recap of all the stuff I had accomplished that were in reference to my goals for all the months of the year. I haven’t done February’s yet and there were things on my goal list that I didn’t work on or do, like follow the miracle morning every day.
At the end of January, I started feeling REALLY crappy. We were moving and so the house was a mess and we were constantly working and then coming home and then packing so things felt busy, to say the least.
I was tired ALL THE TIME, but boy did we have a blast crushing some goals.
Then everything changed one fine February midnight when I decided to pee on a stick.
That’s right… I’m pregnant!
It’s still REALLY early to be telling people, as I am only 6 weeks along and the little tadpole (who we affectionately call McNugget because our last name is Macdonald) is in danger of everything. To be fair, it’s gonna be in danger or everything for a while, but i am waiting till I am 12 weeks along to officially announce that there’s a little McBun in my McOven.
It is hard to describe the feeling I felt when I found out. I started crying right away. I couldn’t believe it. I felt equal parts scared and excited. Also – despite of wanting the pee stick to give me two lines for so long – I was a little disappointed. I was finally on a strong career path and all my ducks were in a row. I started feeling sad thinking of what might not happen because of this baby and immediately got mad at myself because….it’s me. The ride is still there, now we’ve just increased the number of passengers that are coming along.
I think it comes from a place of not getting what I wanted. Two years ago when my husband and I started trying to have a baby we were SO ready to be parents. We thought the place we were in our lives then was great and perfect for starting a little family but it didn’t happen. And for 24 months it didn’t happen. and pee stick after pee stick disappointed and saddened me to the point where I couldn’t even TALK about the fact that we were trying to have a baby or I would burst into tears. Doctor’s have been telling me since they could that it would be a rare thing for me to conceive and that if I did manage it, it would most likely end in a miscarriage. Nice doctors, right? Helpful right? 10/10 would recommend, yeah?
No. These assholes (they were a few of them) did nothing but scare me to death. While true that it was painfully difficult to conceive, no one offered me a solution, help or even a sympathetic glance when I came asking about ways to combat what nature had given me.
Turns out, that I have a heart shaped uterus. It sounds adorable, but it’s an abnormality that is formed in utero and makes pregnancies VERY difficult. Because it’s in the shape of a heart, this affects the way a baby hangs out in the uterus and when it’s bigger it affects the way the baby lays when it’s time to go into labor. Because of this a lot of women in my condition experience late-term miscarriages and if they’re lucky and can go to 40 weeks – breech babies. But wait, there’s more, I also have an upside down uterus or something. I don’t know the technical term but I know it’s in the wrong position.
The stars did not align when my reproductive organs were made. So after 2 solid years of giving it our best shot, we stopped trying. We moved to this new place. Signed a crazy expensive lease and focused on our goals. We decided we would revisit the baby thing later.
So I guess the best way to describe how I felt when I found out was – mad. Why now? Why crush my hopes for 2 solid years and only to give me what I’d been wishing for after I stopped wishing? Just when I was losing weight, being an awesome vegan and kicking butt at my career. Just when everything was absolutely perfect.
The truth is that my “whys” don’t matter. It doesn’t matter why it happened now, it matters that it happened. and how LUCKY am I? I think 2 years is nothing compared to what other women wait. I think I lucked out really hard and even though I was only mad for a few seconds after I found out, I feel a tad guilty about it.
I don’t think it’s the most popular thing to feel out there, but it’s how I felt, and I believe in not hiding your feelings. I believe in feeling how you feel in the moment that you feel it and working through it afterward.
After I felt mad I felt incredibly happy. Then I felt incredibly scared – what if this was a cruel joke and the test was a false positive? So i did what anyone would do – pee on more sticks. The next day I got myself a new two-pack of tests and surprise- they were also positive.
I knew this was it and it was time to tell the hubs! So that night when I got home I did a little reveal and boy was he excited! He’s SO ready to be a dad. He immediately jumped into learning everything he could about pregnancy and it’s so stinking cute.
The following week we told our parents and there were tears of joy everywhere. They knew that we had been struggling to conceive and are so happy for us.
I’m so beyond excited…and nervous. I’m worried I will be one of those women that has a late-term miscarriage, but if that happens it happens and I have to accept that I can’t do anything about it. I will be devastated of course…but it’s in God’s hands. These days I’m trying real hard to stay positive and optimistic and not puke every 5 seconds. Morning sickness is no joke.
Needless to say, a lot of my goals have been…delayed. We aren’t going to Italy this year, but with a lot of luck, we may go on the best adventure yet.